Emotionally Disconnected…

Hello out there, how are you today?

My first post is out now, the beginning of this blog and the reasons why I created it. I started thinking of my very first topic, what I wanted to discuss, and I came up with…being emotionally disconnected.

I’m a Dad. One of my biggest fears was that my kid would grow up to be like me. I know our “growing up” situations would be different, which would be incredibly helpful, but genetics is a real thing. I didn’t want this to be downloaded into him, in his DNA. That isn’t fair to him. I know I’m radically different. I am very much a people watcher, and I wonder sometimes while I’m gazing on a couple walking in a park, or friends at a restaurant, how it must feel to be so…

…normal.

To have friends, to want friends, to want to be accepted. I don’t feel socially awkward or strange around people. I can talk to whoever I want, be around whoever I want. I can make jokes and talk about literally anything. I can make people feel so comfortable around me. And yet I cannot connect to them emotionally. I don’t want bad things for them. I want good things for them. I just…don’t see them as anything more than another person. I’ll save someone’s number in my phone while we’re talking and never call them. I’ve often wondered if it’s because of my childhood. A family member of mine did some serious shit and got locked up. Maybe some form of defense against abandonment. Like, if you can’t get close to me, I don’t have to worry about you leaving. Hell, I’ve even gone so far as to read books on Sociopathy/Psychopathy. The idea that I cannot emotionally connect to PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE is unusual. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I just know it isn’t normal.

I don’t care about being normal. I think being normal is highly overrated. I’d much rather be an anomaly amongst a sea of similarity, but I also want to have the ability to connect to my fellow human. I don’t feel alone, or lonely, but I should…right?

Therapy didn’t help in that aspect either. It helped in other ways, which we’ll talk about later, but it didn’t seem to fix that problem.

Something that I truly cannot stand is how inauthentic people can be. They will look you dead in the eyes and pretend that they care, or they will act like the greatest friend you’ve ever had, and then as soon as your back is turned they are running their mouth about you to the first person that will listen. It got me thinking, am I like that? I don’t gossip, I find that stupid. If I need to address something with someone, I’ll come direct, not sideways. I don’t want to be someone people think of as a great friend, when I truly cannot be. I am not equipped with the resources and tools necessary to be that kind of person. It’s like a mental block, the closer I feel like I get to being that type of person, the further away I feel from it.

However, something we have is the freedom of choice. The power of free will. Maybe I’m not like my fellow travelers, maybe I don’t have what it takes to make these connections, but I CAN talk to people and treat them with dignity and respect, and remember important life events so that we can talk about them later.

Not because it matters to me…not at all. But because it matters to THEM. The last thing I want to be is a massive hypocrite, someone who is spouting off a bunch of bullshit, a path he talks about but refuses to walk.

If you are reading this, I hope on everything that you are NOT like me. It is my hope that these connections come normal, that you have friends that you would do anything for, and would do anything for you. I hope you have bonds with people that are secure and healthy.

But, if you are like me, we have the freedom of choice; We can either treat everyone like they don’t exist, treat them badly, or we can do what we can to make people feel like they matter. Maybe, like me, this is all cognitive. We aren’t doing it because we FEEL like it matters, but more that we KNOW it matters. Also, if people think you are an asshole, they will be less likely to be there for you. I know that probably sounds manipulative, but it should work both ways. If someone calls me and has a problem, I’m more than happy to use my strengths to help figure out a solution. I’m highly analytical. I am good at deconstructing problems and seeing each individual component of that problem and how to fix it. I don’t use people, because that’s shitty. Again, we have the ability to make our own choices, our own decisions. Use that for the greater good, listen when people talk to you, let them know they matter and they have value.

Because Lord knows we need more of that going around these days.

Freedom of choice. Choose wisely. Make someone smile today.

Until the next time…